Journal #3 – Love is…?

Posted: February 16, 2011 in Weekly Journal Entries

“What is love? Baby don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me, no more.”
I have no idea who sang that song, but it’s what came to my mind initially when I thought, “What is love?”

That’s the thing with me, I once romanticized love as that wonderful experience between two individuals you so often see in movies.  I observed it as such a beautiful experience, especially seeing the blooming relationships around me as all my friends got together in high school.  Everyone around me, including my best friends, got into relationships and it made me wonder what was wrong with me.  There were definitely attempts at getting into relationships, but I just was not the kind of person to really go all out and begin an “official” relationship.  In fact, the closest I got to one was when I confessed to a special young woman that I liked her.  She reciprocated that feeling, but we did not start anything because of her parents’ advising on dating only after college.

Since that experience with her, I have not attempted to get into any other relationships.  Three years into my undergraduate life and the passion for finding a partner has not sparked.  That’s not to say that I haven’t been attracted to individuals I have met here, but I feel as if I’m not even trying or bothering to “find love”.  Do I sometimes wish I had a partner? Sure. Is it something I have my attention set on? I don’t think so.

This brings us back to the discussion that we had last week in section – having love versus being in love.  What is it truly like to be in love?  I wish there was a concrete answer to it (Type 5’s need for information acting up?).  I feel as if I can never pursue for love, as in that I feel it should be brought about organically – when the right moment arises and both parties just know.  How realistic is that? I’m not too sure, and perhaps that’s just the romantic in me acting up.  Can it actually happen naturally?  Or has our growing dependence on social media platforms (eharmony, for example) established a path for relationships that start at “having love” in hopes of becoming “being in love”?  While I applaud those who have been able to find their life partners through such sites, I guess the traditional side of me just can’t envision myself ever pursuing that route.

Having read The Skeleton Woman, there seems to be the suggestion that love must be actively sought before it can grow and develop over time.  While I understand that viewpoint, I really don’t see myself as the “hunter”.  All of the stages of a developed love in The Skeleton Woman are what I have viewed as important, save for the “Accidental Finding of Treasure”.  The accidental finding aspect sounds beautiful and is what I envision – but that doesn’t seem to be what the hunter pursued as he was seeking for something big.  One could argue that his search was for a larger prize not related to love, but could it not still be related to an active pursuit of love?  Like I said previously,  there’s a part of me that just wishes for love to blossom out of thin air, as if fate is to determine everyone’s love life.  Fate is a tricky thing, as depending on it could lead to endless waiting – yet acting out could also be acting out in fate.  What do I believe? I don’t know anymore.  Love is just too confusing!

Despite all that romantic love nonsense spewed out just now, I will say I do have loves in life.  I love my family, I love my close friends, I love to live life in general.  There are many smaller things that I will proclaim my “love” to, but now I wonder.. are all of these loves a form of having or being?  Am I in love with my parents or do I have love for them?  Having love seems to be relegated to so many things, that including family within the realm of having love seems so odd to me – yet I can’t say that I am in love with them.  It’s been so established by media and society that to be in love implies a personal and intimate relationship.  Is being in love then really restricted only to that romantic partner?  In this sense, I have a lot of love, but I’ve yet to be in love.  Do people need to be in love to live?  Or is having and being supported by what we have truly enough?

Could my personality be complicating the notion of love beyond what others perceive of it?  I wish I didn’t overthink things sometimes.  It’s quite constrictive to be honest.

It also doesn’t help when I’m listening to a song with “Nothing lasts forever.  Nothing really matters,” as repeated lyrics (but it is such a hauntingly beautiful song!)
Care to listen? Just a note, it’s a Korean song (I don’t understand Korean, but happen to love Korean pop):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7F98s1CkW4&feature=player_embedded

Enjoy your three day weekend.  Here’s hoping I don’t spend too much of it within the realms of my sinuous mind.

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